I'm writting a novel i was wondering if people could read and give me some advice maybe and a mark out of ten?

Okay here it is, its only adraft so please no 'you have mis typos' lol. :) thank youu!








The leaves rustled as they blew around my feet. I was nine years old. Peoples screams filled the church. ';Why! Why did this happen?';. I looked down, my school socks were muddy, my legs had Goosebumps and I was shivering from the cold. My hair was wet, my school uniform torn. Within an instance, my whole world seemed to stand still. The noise's around me blurred and for a moment. The only thing I could hear was a cry, a long and fearful cry. My mothers body lay there, as i lent down and put my hand upon hers i felt she was holding something. I took it out of her clenched fist. It was some sort of ancient pendant, silver with an inscription on the back in gold.





The smell around me was something that I was unable to determine. It was a musty smell, almost like blood or rotting flesh. I could however, smell my mothers perfume, only slightly, but it felt stronger then ever because of my complete fixation on it. It made me feel uncomfortable, it made me want hide away from everything forever.





The wind roared as i put it around my neck and fastened the clasp. A tear rolled down my cheek. But only one. No more. I wrapped my arms around myself and shut my eyes. I imagined the heavens and angels and whispered ';Please, give me her back.'; I could hear sirens now, they became louder and louder, the tune thudding against my ear drum. I ran. I tripped. I blacked out.








Seven years on, I鈥檓 still getting counselling treatment for that night. The warm sun beat down on my skin through the window, the rays of warmth filled my body with heat. Today was the last day of counselling. The last day of questions of 鈥榟ow I felt鈥?or how I was 鈥榗oping鈥? Finally after today I could be normal鈥ell at least try.





I watched my counsellor Jeanette walk into the room, she was tall, scrawny with jet black hair. She wore big glasses and had a strong smell of peppermint. She sat down and put her glasses on the end of her nose, whilst flicking through some past reports of my sessions. There was the occasional sigh but apart from that the wait wasn鈥檛 too bad.





';Now Mia鈥 know what happened to you was traumatic...I can understand that. But your 15 now, you need to get along with life.';





';I didn't ask to come here did i? And I am getting on with life I鈥榣l have you know.'; She always tried to act like my mother. I was her pity victim, her gossip, her charity.





';Mia... You haven鈥檛 been to school since you were 13...maybe you should go back.';





Oh here we go. Go back? Have everyone whispering 'Oh look! there's that girl Mia, she was the daughter of that famous woman who threw herself off a church'. Or the constant harassment of teachers saying 鈥檌f I need to talk I can鈥? All I wanted to do was forget about it, not open up old wounds. Please. Save me the aggregation.





';I don鈥檛 want to go back, my income and life is fine now.'; I play with my fingers and try to not make eye contact.





';Mia, its a Saturday job, and you live with your father. A saturday job is not nearly enough income to support yourse-';





';Myself?'; I roll my eyes and sigh.





She slides me over an envelope. it鈥檚 a brownish colour with some sort tea stain on the back. I open it slowly, inside it there鈥檚 a school, a date and a time for me to attend. I felt her touch the back of my shoulder. ';Its in England, no鈥?one will have heard of you over there, you should give it a try...for your fathers sake at least.';





In my head i began to wonder why i ever had to go through what i did. After it happened, minutes after the police arrived to hide my mother from news reporters, my father arrived. I remember waking up to him calling my name. I began to think it was all a dream. I cried. He took me in his arms and whispered ';Don't be scared princess, daddy鈥檚 here.'; I looked up and said ';Is she really gone?'; My dad turns whilst the rain beats down harder upon us. ';No sweetie, mummy just had to go help the angels.';





As i get up and walk out the door, i turn around. She says softly ';Mia, its a chance. A chance for a new start. A new life.





I smile back but i don鈥檛 say thank you and i don鈥檛 say goodbye. I stand up, turn around and walk out.I'm writting a novel i was wondering if people could read and give me some advice maybe and a mark out of ten?
Really very well done.





It has some technical problems of course, but you expected that, right?





Besides, it's only an early draft.





One piece of advice though, and I'd heed it if I were you. Take out, ';I looked up and said ';Is she really gone?'; ';No sweetie, mummy just had to go help the angels.';





It's awful and so out of place in an otherwise promising piece.


I think you're probably too close at the moment to notice it's dreadful tone of over sentimentality. You must delete it.





Other than that, you appear to possess aptitude, so keep on writing, and good luck with it.





ps: Never worry about pedants wanting to correct your grammar and spelling. They are the kind of people who look at a field of poppies and only see the broken perimeter fence. You will need to learn such rules in time, of course, but they come a very distant second to skill and technique.





Steinbeck, Hemingway and many other greats couldn't ever spell to save their skins. So if such rules don't come naturally to you, don't let them slow you down.





When you're writing creatively, always, always,always, obey only the rules of your heart.I'm writting a novel i was wondering if people could read and give me some advice maybe and a mark out of ten?
If you're not ready to take criticism for spelling errors, you're not ready to write.
Wow....that's really good. I can relate, I can still remember my mothers accident from when I was 4. I had to go to psycologists and psychiatrists too. I'll give you 8/10. It's a great piece of work but I don't know what the finished product would be like. i can't relate to having a father afterwards but when a child see that kind of thing, well I stopped talking for almost 3 months. You go into shock and have trouble relating to anyone afterwards. Therefore, even if the students at school had not mentioned her mother, just seeing the mother pick them up, friends talking about there mothers, remembering things her and her mother used to do will affect her long afterwards. I still cry - its been 11 years.
I apologise unreservedly. It's not rubbish - in fact it's pretty good. However, my advice still stands - forget about self publishing. What good is a cardboard cover anyway? Be patient and learn your trade. Keep writing. Read every How to Write book in the library. Join a Writers Club so 's you'll meet other writers and hear visiting lecturers. Learn how to spell and punctuate because that'll ensure your work an editor's attention. Start small, with a Mill's and Boone or similar because any acceptance will encourage you and look good on your CV when you come to sell the Big One. Remember: Rome was not built in a day so you have to put in the time instead of going off half-****** like you suggest. No matter how talented you might be, you wouldn't sit down at a piano to write a sonata without first learning how to read music, so do your homework. Your talent is too good to waste.
The story line is ok, quite interesting and leaves you intrigued regarding what will happen next.





However the wording is a little strange in places and there are some grammatical errors.





In the first paragraph we learn that the character's hair is wet, but we don't find out until near the end of this peice of writing that it was raining in this scene when you say ';the rains beats down harder upon us.'; It's a little confusing and until the end I though there had been some sort of flood.





Also we have no idea that the character is a female until the counseller says ';Mia';!! Maybe you could say, ';the rain had made my long brown hair knotted and soggy,'; or something along those lines.





And why is the smell ';almost like rotting flesh?'; The Mother's body wouldn't have decomposed that quickly.





It says Mia ';ran'; and ';blacked out.'; Why did she black out from merely tripping over?





I really like the description of the counseller, and when she said ';you need to get along with life'; I thought it was a little weird and unproffessional until you said she was like a Mother figure. Then it made sense.
I like it, it interests me (but goosebumps doesn't have a capital letter).





One strange thing- the accident happened when she was 9. She leaves school 4 years later. Why does she suddenly leave after 4 years?
WOW !





i love the end !!





this is soooooo good !!!





KEEP WRITING !!





=]





hope it helped !!





xoxo kathy
I cried


It made me cry [though a lot of things make me cry]


Keep writing


When your done send it to me please


It's hard to find good things to read now a days


I would so read this.


I love the ending


I want to know if she goes to England


So don't stop.
i like it


i think you do ahev the stuff needed to be a writer:)


dont worry about spelling mistakes just correct them later when you've finished


i like the last sentence- ' i smile back but i don鈥檛 say thank you and i don鈥檛 say goodbye. I stand up, turn around and walk out.'





the only thing i didnt like was when you said ' seven years on'


it seemed to stop the flow of the story, if you get me -


you could say that was seven yeasr ago, or change it so that she was just thinkngi about it or something


im sorry i can explain better than that





interesting story - it got my attention :)
I agree with stallionscripture, you're definitely not able to call yourself a writer if you post your story up on a website and then say that you don't want people correcting mistakes. WTH!? Any self-respecting writer wants people to correct their errors, if people take the time to do so, it's a favour for most of us.





I also find it slightly worrying that you're 'writting' a novel.


Please do yourself a favour and go eat a spellchecker.
The first part was a bit shaky. But it got better as you went on, when it showed her as a 15 year old. I'd say 6 or 7 out of ten.
It's good, and you're getting there.





The only criticism i'd make is that you need to have more of a realistic grasp on your character. One tear rolling down a cheek doesn't happen, and it is a novice sign.





Also, you seem to jump between tenses a lot.





Though, this is really quite a good piece, much better than most things i've read on here. Keep at it, 8/10 =)